Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
