Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
I didn't know that people actually queef. Is this a real thing?
I believe so, yes.
Would you be offended if I asked if it has happened to you?
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
