oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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