i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
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