Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Randomize
