did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
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