Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
And then he peed in my hair
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