Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
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