Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
the gays at disneyland are vicious
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Randomize
