God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
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