he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
