he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Randomize
