I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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