Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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