Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Randomize
