I like it. Barfy the gin-flavoured Assman
Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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