Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
Randomize
