Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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