now i know why i became what i already was.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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