Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Randomize
