Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
