Tell her she can't have a vagina
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Randomize
