Do you think you have hit the lowest point in your life when you find yourself actually condisering watching the movie "Gigli"?
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
Randomize
