I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
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