went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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