It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
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