I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
