Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Randomize
