i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
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