You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
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