This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
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