you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
