He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Randomize
