false alarm. still invincible.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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