cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Randomize
