I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
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