Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
I'd just like to inform you. That when I was at bvj the first day I was blackout drunk by noon. Get on past Chelsea's level like now. Do it for present Chelsea
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
