please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
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