Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
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