I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
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