Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
did you just send me my own nude
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Randomize
