Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
