I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
