he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
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