No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
Randomize
