my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
