so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
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