A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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