something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize
