I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
