saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
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