I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Randomize
