So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Randomize
